This is not a suicidal note. It is simply a raw entry coming from a dark place with much awareness of my internal suffering and the suffering of those around me.

Many days I am tired of fighting. Some days I want to numb the incredible sadness and anger that I feel. I’ve dealt with almost every emotion that has come my way sober. I never drank nor smoked to numb the pain. There is no bitterness, just a deep wound that does not heal. I look out at the world when I am on the train headed to different destinations and see everyone escaping, and I understand. I see complacency and I understand, though it angers me.   I have always been the light of my mother’s eyes in her world of darkness. Others have held me to that same standard because I’ve “made it out” or “survived”. I was born in the ghetto and raised in the ghetto. I didn’t end up a single mother, or a high school drop-out. In fact, I did everything by the book. I was a straight-A student throughout my education career. I never got into fights. I never gave anyone trouble. I hardly partied. I made the honor rolls, deans’ lists. And for what? It feels like it was all a waste. What was it all for?  

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 Many times, like at this very moment, I cry for all of the time I feel I have wasted in trying to do “right.” I cry because my life feels like a waste. I feel useless. I feel as if I’ve contributed absolutely nothing.   I have always been the light of my mother’s eyes in her world of darkness. Others have held me to that same standard because I’ve “made it out” or “survived”. I was born in the ghetto and raised in the ghetto. I didn’t end up a single mother, or a high school drop-out. In fact, I did everything by the book. I was a straight-A student throughout my education career. I never got into fights. I never gave anyone trouble. I hardly partied. I made the honor rolls, deans’ lists. And for what? It feels like it was all a waste. What was it all for? Sometimes I speak to people close to me only to be told to “fight harder” or “you aren’t doing enough.” Sometimes I feel as if I am doomed to relive the same suffering as those who have come before me. I find myself saying things my mother once used to tell me: “there isn’t enough money”, “what I do is not enough”, “I am not enough.”

Sometimes I try and not care and live with no purpose, but find myself encountering people and situations that put me back on the course that I want to step off of. Many do not understand what it feels like to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Many would say to simply unload, but how do you do that when the weight was put on you since the day you were born? What do you do when you weren’t given a choice? What do you do when you’ve tried to escape such responsibility and you’ve failed every time?

 

-V.