And So The Story Goes...
I was going to write a piece as a follow up to “The Betrayal” in which I referenced my journal that I was writing in at the time, as well as FB convos I had with both individuals at the time leading up to the events, during, and after.
BUUUUUUUUUUT...I said fuck that.
I realized that by doing that, I was trying to prove something. And that’s not what that piece was about. That piece was about getting all that I remembered about what happened out of me in a public way. It was about getting it out and having it documented for anyone else who may have been through something similar to look at in order to eventually help them move on.
Now I will say, it took me a very, very, very long time to get over what happened. And after getting over it, I had to get past it. Just because you get “over” something, does not mean you have truly moved on. Getting over something means getting that distance from it, but moving on means not letting it control you. So I got over it, but I didn’t get past it until yesterday (5/11/17) while I was riding the train.
So here’s what happened…
(A little backstory though before the realization)
While I was homeless in January (like in a shelter), I wasn’t focused on anything except for surviving for said day. I only cared about eating, getting metrofare to make it to where I had to go during the day, and making it back in time for curfew so that my bed would not be taken (it was cold and I was not trying to be sleeping on the streets just yet).
I met my boyfriend during this time. It was chaotic as fuck. How did I meet him? I went on Mr. Fox’s Facebook profile for some reason and I saw a picture of my now-boyfriend (let’s call him “Angel”-because that’s what he’s been to me since I met him). Anyway, I went on Angel’s profile and added him on a whim. And I thought to myself, “Giiiiiiiirl, you are in no position to date or be with anybody, so DO NOT message him under those circumstances.” And I did so, EXCEPT, his profile said that his birthday was the next day. So here I am, laying down on my bed in one of the shelter’s dormitories, and I send him a message wishing him a happy birthday. I exited out of profile and expected to never really hear from him again.
And then the next morning he replied and then said that he wanted to see me that same day after work. I remember thinking that was odd. Wouldn’t he want to spend his birthday with people that he knew? I was a random stranger who added him only a few hours ago.
Anyway, we met that same day (even though we almost missed the opportunity-more about that in another piece). I knew he was into me and I knew I was into him, even though I was playing it off that I wasn’t.
As Angel escorted me back to the shelter, I figured that once I said goodbye to him that I wouldn’t see him again. I figured, like every other man and boy that came before him, he’d be turned off by the chaos that surrounded me. When I went to my bed, I looked at my phone, and saw a message from him saying he wanted to see me again the next day. And that’s how the story goes…
We met everyday since then up until we became official (which was a week later). It was around this time that I let him know “the situation” involving Mr. Fox and Delilah. As far as I was concerned, there was no situation. I sent them both messages near Christmas of 2015 where I forgave them and put the past behind. Mr. Fox responded and said that we were cool. Delilah did not.
HOWEVER, things weren’t "cool", as I would find out.
Angel and I became official towards the end of January and two weeks after that, a former friend of mine, N.M., who has, since our falling out, become friends with Delilah (telenovela much?) reached out to Angel asking for his number, asking if he was by himself, and then proceeded to call him to warn him about me. She warned him that I am “all over the place” and “vengeful”. Angel and I spoke about what was said. Even though it was only two weeks into our relationship, I had been upfront about all aspects of my being, my past, etc. and did also tell him that I can be vengeful in certain circumstances, especially when betrayed and gave him examples of things I have done for illustration. Instead of judge me, he stated that he found me more attractive. *insert side eye here*
I figured that after this, much of my past wouldn’t come up much to bother Angel and I. However, about a week or two after that incident, I was en route to crash at a friend’s place. Angel was accompanying me to help me move my bags that I had been lugging around with me. One of his good friends was hanging out and Angel wanted to bring me over after we finished the moving. However, the friend let him know that Mr. Fox was there and that he (Angel) should ask before bringing me. I already had a bad feeling, but let things play out because sometimes you can tell a person something and sometimes you just have to let the actions of others speak for themselves. Angel had gotten a hold of Mr. Fox and they were chatting it up nicely until my name popped up. Angel mentioned that he wanted to go hang out with them but that he wanted to bring me along. I heard a moment of silence and without even looking at Angel could feel a shift. After Angel got off the phone with Mr. Fox, what I already knew was confirmed.
Mr. Fox and I weren’t “cool”. The past wasn’t in the past. It was still very much present and there was nothing that I could do anymore. I had to let things play out.
Angel began ranting about the conversation because he was very bothered. Mr. Fox had apparently stated that it was fine for Angel to come, but that he could not bring me and that he didn’t want drama. I told Angel that it was fine if he went and that I didn’t take offense to what Mr Fox has stated, but Angel was having none of that. And that’s what bothered me the most: how much this seemed to be affecting Angel because he cared about me.
And now we come to my realization.
During my relationship with Angel, we’ve talked frankly about the lessons our exes (in all sense of the word) taught us. Personally, Angel has helped me learn what it means to love someone and be loved in return. Love is not about possession. It is about being open with others, but more importantly, with yourself.
So, due to the fact that where I am living now is closer to Mr. Fox than before I left my mother’s, I have always expected to run into him at some point. This thought never crossed my mind until one day, when Angel and I were walking back to his mother’s, he said to me, “Was that Mr. Fox that just walked past us?” And I looked back, and the person walking away from us was dressed in the style that Mr. Fox dresses in. I looked at Angel, and was like “I don’t really care, but if you want to call his name to confirm, it’s up to you.”
I was passing Mr. Fox’s stop yesterday on the train, since it’s on the way to most places that I need to get to, and I thought to myself, “What would you do if you saw him? And is it that you sense you will come across him or is it that you want to come across him for some reason?” And then it all clicked.
I only wanted to see him in person one more time because only one question lingers in my mind:
Were you worth it?
Were you worth the tears I cried? Were you worth the breakdowns I had every time I saw you and her together? Were you worth the humiliation I felt? Were you worth the times I felt invisible in your presence and like I didn’t matter? Were you worth all of that?
The answer is NO.
And to her: was he worth our friendship ending the way it did? I hope that he was and still is. I wish you the best.
I wish you two the best.
And to me: you now know, V. Now know your worth. You have now moved on. You have come full circle. And the most amazing thing of all, is that you’ve moved on with a man that loves you. A man who has chosen to be alongside you.
Remember that time on the bench when you asked someone if you’d ever love again, while tears streamed down your face?
Well, look at you now.
You suffered. You got through it. And now you are loving again.
Now go forward.