"Motherless By Choice" (Goodbye Mama Pt. 2)

While listening to a podcast on children estranged from their parents, I have realized that I was never a daughter. I never fulfilled that role with my mother. Instead I was her therapist, her parent, her proof that her sacrifices weren't in vain.

No child should have to be given these roles, ever, especially at a tender age.

I lost my mother, mentally and emotionally, at a very young age.

I still grieve and will always grieve this loss.

I wanted to heal my mother so that she would become the mother that I needed her to be. I wanted to take away all of the pain she ever went through in life. I wanted her to be whole because I needed her so badly in my life. I needed her when I was being bullied in school for being too tall or too quiet. I needed her to fully support me when boys broke my heart in grade school when they rejected me.

 I remember my mother being vibrant and full of joy when I was around 7, but after that there isn't much good to remember. I've blocked many memory from those years. There aren't many good memories that I can hold onto of her. The memories of my life really began when I was about 6 and most are blocked from the ages of 7 until I graduated high school.

There was a time in the summer when I was 13 when I heard a voice telling me to kill my mother. I never felt a desire to, I just heard them, and they disturbed me. I even went to her to tell her (she was all I had) and she told me to just pray. I prayed the entire summer for the voice to go away, and finally it did. I never understand what that voice meant until listening to this podcast.

The voice wasn't telling me to end her life. It was telling me to sever the tie to her. It was a warning. A thirteen year-old is still dependent on their parent so I could not sever the tie mentally and emotionally even if I wanted to. However, when I was 24, I did, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

As the podcast says, it'd be easier to deal with her death than being motherless by choice. But in the mind of children like me, those who choose to be estranged, we have to brutally kill the parent in our mind because they are dangerous for our well-being.

If I were to stay, I wouldn't survived much longer.

And that would have been the worst decision of my entire life.