My mind never stops. That’s one thing that people don’t know about me and what they often forget even when I do tell them.
On the outside, people usually see a calm facade. They can see some quirks, but they generally see stillness and a resiliency.
But inside there’s a constant war happening.
Inside my body, it’s like I have three different people in there.
One person is what I sometimes call “The Enemy”. She’s cruel. When I am down, she tells me that I’m worthless and that I should stay down. When I’m depressed, she tells me that I am better of dead. She’s says that I am unlovable. She goes through the list of everyone in my life that has abandoned me, has betrayed me, has used me, and has abused me. She twists my emotions and projects images into the recesses of my mind. She wants to destroy me.
Then there is “The Uplifter” and she does exactly what the name suggests. She comes at my darkest hours: when I’ve been sleeping for days, when I’ve been starving myself for days, when I used to have a pen to a piece of paper prepared to write a suicide note, when I find myself in a hole and have no strength to crawl out. She lifts me up because she wants me to live.
And then there’s me: Tamar Janisbeth Lopez. My first name comes from Tamar from the Book of Genesis in the Bible, and she was a woman who caused controversy by taking matters into her own hands. She defied the patriarchy, fulfilled a goal of hers through unorthodox methods, and was willing to die for it if necessary. My middle name is two names in one (Janis and Beth) that roughly translates to “house of gracious God.” When I look back at the events that made me, I realize that I have taken the path of being an unorthodox individual, but I realize that I’ve learned to defy the norm through grace (and I’m still refining that characteristic). So, Tamar Janisbeth, stands in between these two forces: The Enemy and The Uplifter.
I’ve caught between the two many times. I’ve vaciliated between the two many more times than I’ve spoken about publicly to others and privately to my confidants. The “me” used to feel that I had to choose the “good” side, but I realized recently that the world does not operate on such strict terms of good and bad, and that I had to learn to master both sides and use them to help me grow into a better person.
And this is where the mental battle comes in. As stated before: my mind never stops. Since I could remember, I always had my head stuck in the clouds. In school, though I was a good student, I would often daydream and get lost in thought. Being young, a longer, and mostly isolated in my room, it was easy to pour it all into being creative. However, as an adult, and sobering up to the limitations that society tried to put on an individual, I realize that my mental battle is more potent to me. I never realized that I had issues in trying to quiet my mind.
I’m at a point in my life where I do not want limitations placed on me. I do not want anchors weighing me down. I do not want unnecessary ties and too many ties.
I want my freedom.
I want freedom to be me.
And that lies in transparency.