Names have been changed in this entry to “protect” the privacy of certain individuals, but they know who they are…
This entry is in reference to a topic touched upon on my last post, which had to do with a betrayal. There are multiple sides to a story and then there is the truth. This is my side:
V4V Part V
I always thought that time helps you get over things, but now I wonder if it just helps you distant yourself from the pain. Are there things in our life that we just can't get over no matter how hard we try? In my life there are many people I've forgiven, many I've cut out of my life, many I’ve been “cold” too but only on the surface. At times I look back at situations and know that I was able to “get over” a situation but only because I've removed the person from my life (blocking them on FB or avoiding coming into contact with them as best as possible except when absolutely necessary). However, today I was reminded of particular people that make me react in a very illogical way. I was heading to an event and thought about the possibility of encountering them and naturally a wave of anger surged through the back of my neck. These people are and will forever be associated with a betrayal.
I can handle about almost anything except betrayal. That sends me over the edge and takes me a very long time to move past in even the slightest. It even brings me to a dark side of myself that makes me very uncomfortable.
I am not in that state now, but to know that those feelings still linger…I don't know…it makes me wonder if true progress has been made. I think so, however, there is that idealistic side of me that thinks I should shed the anger and be completely at peace.
I am making my way to the event nervous as to how I will react and the aftermath. Even if these individuals are not there, those associated with them will be. I am confident though that I am in a much more mature mindset than I was a few years ago when the events took place. Perhaps that mindset is my peace and the emotions that are necessary to experience will be dealt with accordingly due to it.
D O U B L E F E A T U R E
The year is 2013.
My memory on the exact timeline of the events is hazy. I would need to refer to the journal I was writing at the time, but I ain’t got time for that right now seeing as to how I am trying to get this story out along with all of my thoughts as quickly as possible (and my that was a long sentence!). At the time, and unknown to me until it was too late, I was falling for this guy that we will call Fox. I also had a friend who I will refer to as Delilah.As the story goes, I met Mr. Fox in the Fall of 2012 if I remember correctly. I was attracted from the moment I saw him and let it be known. One day we were at a cafe near campus and I said flat out, but very wittingly, if he was “on the market?” He said he was not, but that if he were he would be interested in dating me (or something to that effect). And that is he planted the seed of hope in me. Of course, about two or three months later he ended up in a relationship with another girl in our department. I was dismayed but since my feelings weren’t so strong, I respected the relationship and moved onto other crushes since there was plenty (not really, but enough for me) of eye candy revolving through the Theater Department’s doors.
Now, my friend Delilah knew about my interest in Fox. I didn’t realize, but when I look back at my confrontation with her after the betrayal, I had talked about him enough for her to get the message that I had a lot more interest than I wanted to admit. I even confided in her the first and only time that he and I had sex with each other. After all of these events, she tells me one day that she and Mr. Fox went on a date. I remember looking at her and saying, “If you end up with him I will not talk to either one of you, mainly him, but I will cut you off, too.” I said this with the hope that she wouldn’t go through with it and if she did that she would be frank enough to have a conversation about it since I thought it was obvious that I was bothered. I am not sure where my logic was at the time with this. To be honest, a lot was going on in my personal life, and like many others in the department, I used my time there as a form of escaping a lot of messed up things that were happening to me. So I guess I was hoping for some sort of solidarity. I would not find it with her. They end up dating and entering a relationship, and I turn into a wreck for a good portion of 2014. Every time I would see them in the halls of the Theater Department, I would hold my composure and then break down after they left. There are a few witnesses to this and those same people got me through this time. I hated life, I hated couples, I hated love, I hated until I became numb. After that experience, I became emotionally unavailable and very unstable. My home life was chaotic and now the place I came to for escape was also a hell for me. It was a very miserable time and even after they graduated they lingered. Many of theater colleagues know them, understandably. Even my boyfriend knows them (and is actually how we met!<---- another entry for another time) though he isn’t close with them. I sent them both messages where I forgave them and thought the hatchet was buried only to discover that feelings still linger possibly on one of their parts based on two incidents that happened between my boyfriend and them, as well as those they know. So that’s my very short side based off of what I can gather from memory. My heart was broken. I learned. And I still live. That’s life, I guess. It’s not always nice.